In the maw of the beast.
Warning: post of anger/angst/upset.
This week will go down in my personal history as one of the worst weeks of all time. The following has happened to me in the past three days:
1.) My great uncle, the priest who married my parents 30+ years ago, suddenly passed away without anyone in my family getting to say good-bye--because we were informed after he passed, not during the two weeks he was on his death bed. He lives 45 minutes away, so if anyone had bothered to tell us during those two weeks, we could've come to visit immediately. This upsets me pretty severely.
2.) My grandmother is in the hospital. She's fine because she called my mom when she wasn't feeling well and they caught her problem in time, but had she passed out or something, I think she wouldn't have made it. Now I'm really anxious about my grandmother living alone.
3.) I was this close to getting fired from one of my most favorite jobs. My boss is cool, and I think she forgives me, but I really disappointed her and that makes me sick to my stomach.
4.) I had to ditch out of my second job--college tutoring online--during the last weekend before finals because of all of this. My boss and co-workers had to pick up my slack, and that sucks really hard considering how much they cover me on a regular basis.
5.) My knee problems have come back with a vengeance, and now I'm in constant pain that gets severe in the evenings. My doctor doesn't know what's wrong with me, and since it's been 6 months, I have to go to someone in orthopaedics (sp?) to get checked out. I'm probably going to have to go into physical therapy or surgery to get fixed...although I'm hoping for some magic needle cure.
Most of these things happened Sunday through Monday morning, and I only slept 2-3 hours Sunday night, so I spend Monday afternoon in a state of walking dead. I wanted to vomit, cry, or sleep, but my body couldn't manage to do any of those. I settled for blankly working on a deadline while dry-heaving and massaging my knees.
And now I have a funeral on Wednesday, a hellish amount of thesis research/writing for Friday, and a deadline for Monday. And a friend of mine who was trying to comfort me just found out that her parents are getting divorced after 30+ years, so she's in the emotional dumps with me.
I just hope X-Mas goes smoothly this year, because I don't have the strength for it not to.
posted by Maggie Danger @ 11:53 AM
2 Comments:
I sit here reading these messages... wondering but mostly hoping that something I can do or say mighht do for you and your friends what your words and friendship has done for me in my times of need. It is the most frustrating thing for me personally to know someone I care deeply about with all my heart and soul suffers in profound ways or feels their world slipping or spinning out control.
I myself have weathered my own storms of family divorce, poverty, the deaths of loved ones, sicknesses, challenging friendships, shaky employment... it was always an uphill battle and always I felt that sinking feeling inside that made me feel a sense of deep hopelessness.
I can't offer empty words and pathetic cliches and platitudes... that's not who I am and that's not what you deserve from me or anyone.
I wish whatever strength I had in me could be shared, or even given outright and I wish I could take up some or all of the weight from upon your shoulders... I wish I could be there beside you for morale support, or as a physical presence that not all things are lost or so fragile... even my friendship can last the hardest times. I know what I just said probably sounds arrogant or even foolish... but who knows? Perhaps the power of even one friendship can be the difference in a person's life?
Each day I can read this journal and comment, I am hoping to make that connection to you in some way- even though we are miles apart and so on... I guess now more than ever, I wish to make that connection for you and let you know and believe that you are not alone. And I know youhave many friends around you- some obviously with more history and more bond than I... but friendships big or small are still friendships as I say... and I am hoping that mine will add to the circle that surrounds you already and add a little something to your life.
If I try to say in words what my heart is trying to offer, my efforts will only be belittled...
If ever you need of me, all you need ever to do is call me or ask.
I have your phone number and you better believe I will try and call you over the break just to offer what I can. I won't let you down.
Dave McLeod
SOunds like an awful time, I hope things are going better now. Hang in there!!!! :)
Best wishes!
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